S&M... Do you like it ROUGH?

Hello Everyone,

Its been a while since I last posted I had a little writers block but I was compelled to write about Rough Sex... Ever since the song S&M came out (Rihanna), everyone seems to "feel so good being bad" and claims to like it "rough", so lets explore that a little.... 

I can honestly say that I liked it a little rough even before it was cool to like it rough.. I always found the appeal in doing something a little taboo, that sort of feeling that the pleasure is so good I need a little pain to make it real. Now S&M is very different from liking sex a little rough... There are several different types and it involves a lot more than a little hair pulling and butt slapping. 

S&M stands for Sadomachocism, a form of sexual role-play, which broadly reffers to recieving pleasure from pain or humiliation.  I know this sounds very strange but it can be broken down even further into BDSM, which is bondage and dicipline S&M, which would even encompass being tied up, or gagged during sex. 

Now here is the fun part, my Rough Sex for Dummies tips:

• Establish a Safe Word - Often times begging and saying no, and stop are part of the pleasurable experience of "rough sex" and S&M type role playing, so a safe word insures that the "play" never gets too rough or a misunderstanding is to occur. The word should me something that you wouldnt normally use during lovemaking, something like "turtle" or "orange" works well, it should be short, and easy to remember too.
• Remember to get consent - Rough Sex is the kind of sex that you need additional consent for.  It falls into the same category as oral, anal, and anything else that you wouldnt imagine your grandparents ever doing.  The right time to approach this would be during some playful foreplay, or maybe during a flirting session. Always remember, just because you have the green light for sex, it does not mean rough sex is okay.
• Start Gradually -  Begin with a heavier tough, before any other rough play begins, start off my caressing a little harder, pulling his/her hair lightly, and then ease into spanking and biting. These are easy ways to determine what your partner enjoys.

• Restraints - People often talk about wanting to be tied up, or tying up their partner but few people acutally do this and end up enjoying this... heres why... most people opt for handcuffs, and handcuffs HURT! Instead, save yourself a few bucks and use a scarf or a mens silky tie, its strong, you have it handy for spur of the moment sex, and it wont hurt like a handcuff. If you want to buy something for this specific use, then invest in some Japanese silk rope, its a strong silky rope that wont bruise or fray and it has lots of creative uses.
• Scratching and Wax - These sort of go hand in hand because they can both easily get botched and end up hurting badly.  With dripping any melted substance I like the 3 second and blow rule. Before applying it to the skin, blow it and wait three seconds, chances are its not going to burn the skin.   With scratching, I like to save that for the climax, its not sexy to have someone scratch you during foreplay, its hard to keep it gentle like a nibble.  During climax all the blood is rushing to other areas of the body and scratching can almost express the intense feelings you are feeling, just be careful not to break the skin.

Rough Sex can be very pleasurable if done right, just remember, enjoy it, be careful and mindful of your partner, and remember your safe word ;-)

How to handle a break up ONLINE!

As we approach Valentines Day (Feb 14th) and Break up with your Ex/National Unfriend Day (Feb 13th), I want to tackle the topic of how to handle a break up, online.  In today's society your life, especially the social aspects are very much intertwined with the Internet, whether its Facebook, or twitter or Foursquare, we are all linked to the net, but when you are going through a break up, that isn't always a good thing. As a matter of fact, its a horrible thing.  Here are some of my tips to help those that are going through the Post-Holiday/Pre-Valentines Day break up blues... 

• Don't drink and tweet... or text or post or whatever it is that you do... I know its easier to sleep at night after a few glasses, or bottles but keep away from all forms of communication after hitting the bottle.  You don't want to end up pouring out your heart to your ex, or anyone else... its just going to make things worse.. so be careful. You don't need the whole world to know about your broken heart.
• Don't check in - If you are using FourSquare or twitter or FB, don't broadcast your whereabouts, you never know who might see it and you definitely don't want a stalker ex to know where to find you.

• Block your ex... out of sight = out of mind. Its much harder to stop thinking about someone who is everywhere you look. Someone who had mutual friends will keep popping into convos and posts so once u block them, you wont have to deal with seeing them online.  Get friendly with your privacy settings and protect yourself from the intrusion. 
• Don't make your friends choose - If you have many mutual friends, its okay to talk and vent to them, but never make them choose. Not only is it unfair but it makes you look like a bad friend.  Real friends will be there for you and support you in your time of need, but remember, just because you are hurting it doesn't give you the right to be a bad friend in return.
• Unfriend when you are ready - If you are ready to unfriend now, then more power to you! But....if you aren't ready, then just block that persons feed, and keep it moving.. if someone is really a pain in the ass, then unfriend them. Remember, its JUST facebook, you wouldn't keep a bad friend around in real life so what makes "friendship" different via the Internet? Remember, you and your happiness comes first.

Break up with your EX Day! Feb 13th

Hello Everyone! Today I would like to spotlight fantastic website that I follow and share with you their concept of "Break up with your EX Day"!

YourTango.com is a great website that basically talks about love, life, and SEX and I love their articles.  Recently they have begun a campaign to help their readers "Break up" with their ex's.  Though it sounds redundant, it makes a lot of sense. These days when you break up with someone, they are still very much a part of your lives, via Facebook, Twitter, BBM, Email and Text forwards, etc, so by Feb 13th, in preparation for Valentines Day, BREAK UP WITH YOUR EX!! Cleanse your life of the stress and the constant "in your face" reminder of the past, let it go and get rid of all the connections. Delete them, unfriend them, unfollow them, erase their number, and let yourself move on!

There's more tips and advice all about "Break up with your Ex Day" here! Check it out!

Valentines Day, the LoveBites Way!

As we venture into the month of February everywhere you go its all about Valentines Day.... Now I won't lie, its sweet to celebrate and shower each other with affection during this time, but I am one of those people who thinks that you should appreciate the person you love everyday... however, I do still celebrate V-DAY!

Now recently many male friends of mine have been asking me what to get their girlfriends for Valentines Day so I decided to blog about it...

Firstly, suggesting a great gift is going to be hard because everyone is so different, and you want to get something that she will love! I am going to break down my suggestions by the length of time dating... its just easier that way!

1-6 Months

At this point the relationship is still very new, often times you haven't said the L-word yet but its your first Valentines Day together and you don't want to be cheezy.  In my opinion most guys go the very predictable and safe route and get flowers, a card, candy, or a teddy bear.  While all of that is sweet, unless your girl is a pre-teen, none of it is memorable. This is your chance to wow her and to make her remember this Valentines Day, whether you are together or not. 

• Plan a couples activity: This means doing something together, preferably something that you have never done. Go to the spa, go ice skating, plan a picnic, go on a local sight seeing tour in your city, take a pottery class, visit a museum or the zoo. Its your chance to do something she will not expect.

6 Months-1 Year

Around now its possible that you have said the L-Word and you're having sex, this is definitely the Honeymoon phase and you should know enough about your sweetie to get her something that will be special.   She is going to probably expect the usual, its still your first V-Day together and you still want to make an impact but you also want to pull on her heart strings a bit by wowing her with how well you know her, and expressing that you intend to have a future together. 

• Give the gift that keeps on giving.  This shows that you know what she likes and you want to give her something to not only make her smile today but again in the future.  You can buy her something she needs or wants, like an iPod loaded with "your songs", an E-reader if she likes to read, make her a gift basket of wine and snacks for a movie night in the future, buy a package of dance classes for you both, get two open tickets for a trip, buy her tickets to see a show in a few weeks, make her a great dinner and tell her that she owes you one.  These are all ideas that point into the future.

1-3 Years

If you have been together this long then this should be a little easier, you have probably spent a few V-days together so you might know what she likes and dislikes by now.  Now you need to show her that even now, after a few years, that she is still sexy. You need to ignite the spark!

• Buy her some sexy lingerie, plan a romantic evening, get a "toy" for you both to play with, take her out to dinner to a Fondue Restaurant like the Melting Pot, where you can feed each other something sinful and gooey! Offer her a massage, take her out dancing, do whatever you think will make her feel like the sexy woman you know she is.

If you are living together or moving in

This can be at any time in the relationship.  Once you are thinking about or already are living together then you can buy her something special for your home.  I know people always say not to get her something for the house but this is different. You are not going to buy a blender or a vacuum, you are going to buy something that will make her smile every time she even looks at it.

• You can make her some art, get a canvas and some paint and get creative, when she sees this she will always remember how unexpected that gift was.
• Frame a memento, something she might not expect like some old movie stubs, a printed out movie sign from the first movie you ever saw together, the menu from the first dinner out, something special and unique to the both of you.

• Buy a his and her item. I love this idea, there are his and her robes, aprons, tooth brushes, coffee cups, pillow cases (which I love). Just something special that says "you are my other half".
• Get a pet.  This is a touchy suggestion because this is something that you both should have discussed before but if you have been talking about it, its a great time to finally do it! Don't run out and buy a dog but maybe buy her a set of cute doggie bowls and a leash, maybe a dog t-shirt for the pup, and on valentines day make it a date to adopt your new family member.

There's are just a few ideas, and of course they are all generic, as the man you will need to tailor your date and gift to the likes of the lady in your life.  Women love flowers, we love the cards and the candy, and not to mention Jewelry, those are all usually safe bets but my suggestions are a little more unique and definitely more memorable!!

Happy Romancing to Everyone!!

Millionaire Matchmaker - And Why All Guys Should Watch It!

First let me begin by saying, I LOVE THIS SHOW... I am a loyal viewer not only because I love the drama, but Patti Stanger really knows her stuff.  Bravo TV has a ton of Reality TV shows, and they all make for awesome entertainment but this show really teaches both men and women a little about life and love, not to mention it gives us an interesting peek into the dating pool out there.

Basically the premise of the show is to match single wealthy people, all claiming to be millionaires, with potential spouses.  Patti Stanger is the owner of the Beverly Hills based "Millionaire's Club" where the millionaires are her clients and she basically helps them find love.  What I love about this show is that Patti does not go out and find woman to fit a specific description, and sticks them with the millionaire who ordered them like a mail order bride.  What she does is meets with her client, and tries to see what they are looking for and the reasons that they have not yet found a partner.  At times the client needs a makeover, needs some sort of therapy, needs to take a class, or learn a personality skill, no matter the issue, she addresses that before looking for a potential match.  She is aware that her clients are not perfect, and will not match a highly flawed or unstable person with a partner.

From watching this show and following her blog, I have learned a lot of things, but one thing that I always think to myself is "I wish more men watched this show".  Here are a few things that I've learned that I wish more men knew:

1. One of the rules of the millionaires club is that there is NO sex till monogamy.  This is a great rule because if you are using such a service to find a SPOUSE, then sex is not your primary goal, theres is sooo much more that should click first. 
2. The first date can often map out the course of the relationship. Of course this is not written in stone, but we all know how important first impressions are and first dates even more so.  Your first date is your partners first taste of you, your personality, your style, and where they stand in your life.  Be yourself, be real, but be the BEST you possible.

3. The man should plan the first date.  This is something a little old fashioned and many people may not agree with this, but I wish more men did this.  Most women, whether they want to admit it or not, want a Knight in Shining Armor to sweep them off their feet, and what better way to begin a relationship than giving your man the chance to do that.  Its the first date and everything is new and exciting, down the road you will have millions of chances to plan things and make more memories but give him the chance to romance you and slay some dragons for you, remember you cant expect romance unless you give him the chance.
4. Theres nothing wrong with chasing a woman.  Women no matter the age, want to feel beautiful, sexy and desired.  That's the bottom line.  Some women are aggressive and some may play coy, but nothing makes a woman feel sexier than being pursued.  Honestly, I feel very sexy even if a ugly guy is into me. Its just a little reminder that we are desired.  More and more men are becoming more submissive and women are turning into the hunters, but sometimes even the hunter wants to feel like a prized prey, so don't be afraid boys, theres nothing wrong with being straightforward and displaying interest.  Playing Hard to get will only get you so far...
5. Learn to use your dating data.  Every date, good or bad, is one step closer to finding you mate. Men looking for a long term partner need to stop looking at every date as a "smash or pass".  If it isn't great, well then you know what you aren't looking for, as simple as that.. If its great, then keep dating her, once you are officially only seeing each other, then head to bed!

There are a ton more great tips from this show, so much in fact that I just might write another post about this, but I would love to hear your thoughts on this...

Friendship after Sex... is it possible?

Hello Everyone, In this post I would like to address the raising popularity of Causal Sex and how it effects friendships.  Friends with Benefits is a term that I hear more and more frequently and it makes me wonder, what do you do with that friend once the benefits are gone (meaning once you are bored, or someone ends the agreement)?

I happen to believe in any sexual relationship, one of two things end up happening...

1. Someone develops feelings
2. Someone gets bored

So in the instance of "friends" with benefits, when one of those things happens, the situation changes entirely.  I have witnessed people in this sort of agreement fall in love with each other and have it turn into a great stable relationship, and that's a beautiful thing, being friends and then lovers is how some of the best love stories begin, but in the latter scenario where someone loses interest in the other person, does that mean that friendship is forever lost?

I don't think its possible to ever be "just friends" with someone that you were sexually involved with.  I think that once that line has been crossed the friendship has been tainted and every visit, conversation, or experience after that moment will always be biased and different than any other innocent friendship. Even if both parties agree to end the sexual relationship, they will always find themselves thinking about that experience, sizing up the other persons future romantic prospects etc...

What are your thoughts?

Jealousy.... is it ever a good thing?

Hello Everyone!! I am back from my little vacation and I know you all cant wait for today's post.  I had a specific post in mind, but I decided to postpone it because a loyal reader sent me a question, so my readers come first!

"Is it ok to want my girlfriend to feel a little jealous?"

Now before I begin, let me say this yet again, I am not a professional and all of my posts are based SOLELY on my personal opinion... ok, here goes...

I think a little jealousy is a good thing in any relationship, and this is based on my enjoying the feeling i get in a relationship when there is a tiny hint of jealousy.  In long term relationships we all get comfortable, and we expect our partners to love us for who we are, and trust us.  Little by little we worry less and less about the competition, and more and more about kids, bills, and making each other happy as a whole, and worry less about who else is out there. THIS IS GREAT, and its what relationships are all about, but we often forget about that thrill we feel when there's a little innocent jealousy.  Its just the way imitation is the best from of flattery, jealousy in very small doses is a very sweet form of admiration.  When we feel a little jealous, we pull ourselves back out of that comfort zone, we worry a tiny bit, we put that little extra effort into the way we look, the meal we prepare, we kiss a little longer, we hug a little tighter... and the best part is, its like medicine, a little goes a long way.  Use it wisely and the results can be great. 

Here are ways that I've used it with success:

• When someone flirts with me, I choose to TELL my partner all about it
• Don't feel badly about being flattered, when someone complements me, i smile, blush and even giggle, its OKAY..
• I elect NOT to hide innocent male acquaintances, its okay to have friends of the opposite sex, and its important for your partner to see you interact with other men/women.  That way you don't become some extension of himself that never speaks to another man, you are a woman and men interact with you in front of him, and even when he is not around.

In this post, I am not telling anyone to go out and try to make their partner jealous, I'm just saying that i happen to believe that a little jealousy can be healthy. 

I cant wait to hear everyone's thoughts on this!

Do we expect our partners to be mind readers?

First of all let me begin this post by saying, Communication is the key to any relationship...

A Greek Philosopher once said, "We have two ears and one mouth, so we can listen twice as much as we speak", and I think he was really onto something...

In any relationship, between family, friends, or lovers, Communication is the most powerful tool you have. This is the way you relate to each other, share your concerns, and provide your support, among other things. The funny thing about communication is how misunderstood it is...

Communication is a 3 part process:

1. Listening: You would be amazed at what a bad listener most of us are.. Time and time again i find myself in a situation where someone mentioned something to me that i could swear I never heard. Its insane that we go through our lives talking and hearing but not really listening at all. Often times i notice that people spend their valuable opportunities to listen, planning their rebuttal instead.
2. Speak: Share your thoughts, questions, concerns, support, and every one's favorite part, your side of the story! This is your chance to get things off your chest, so use it wisely, think through your words and let them be your tool.
3. Understand: This is the most important part of communication, taking time to understand. Understanding is a two part process as well, you need to understand what your heard and understand the result of the things you said, and how they effected the person they were said to.

More often than not, people fail to communicate with each other and the sad part is we do this with the most important people of all, the people who we are the closest to, and those that we love the most... These victims are the people who we ASSUME to know us the most and we EXPECT them to read our minds. Now I don't know about you, but I am no mind reader. Unless a person tells me straight forward what is on their mind, there's no way I can use my psychic abilities to derive that information, and frankly its selfish to expect that from anyone.

The moral of the story is this, no matter who or what, don't leave anything left unsaid, seize the moment and the opportunity to speak your mind and share your thoughts!

Money can't buy love

Here's a great question that was proposed by a friend:

"Would you rather be with someone who is wealthy and who treats you alright, or be with someone who makes okay money but treats you like a QUEEN" (or KING for that matter)

When my friend brought this question to me, my answer was simple, I would rather be with someone who makes "okay" money and treats me like a queen than be with someone who is wealthy but deep down, I know can treat me better.

My reasoning is simple, money can be gone in a second. I wouldn't want someone to be with me based on my financial situation and I couldn't base my desire to be with someone based on their finances either. I am hard working and I have great money management skills and those are the "financial qualities" that i look for in a partner. I want someone who will work with me side by side to build something together, not someone who will take care of me, or expect me to take care of them.

Those are my thoughts on income. Now CREDIT and MONEY MANAGEMENT SKILLS are an entirely different story. These two go hand in hand and are equally important. A man/woman with good money management skills and great credit will always be well budgeted and capable of making the most of their money. This is important in selecting a mate because down the line it will pay off when they are making the most of your money as well. Who wants to be with someone who is good looking, educated, great in bed, but is a frivolous spender with poor credit? Not me..

Here's the fun part, who are you, are you the person with the poor credit and bad money management skills or the other person?

If you think you might be the person with the poor money management skills, here are some tips help you get it together:

• Open a bank account - chances are, if you don't have a bank account, then you are paying a check cashing store to cash your paycheck. These fees can add up quickly. On the low average a check cashing store might charge around 5% to cash a payroll check, a single person earning 25k a year would end up spending $1250.00 a year in check cashing fees. Having your payroll directly deposited will not only save you these fees but will also save you a trip to the check cashing store.
• Use credit wisely - Credit cards can be a great tool. I have several and I use them all the time, usually I pay off the balances every month, and at my age, my credit is excellent. Credit cards can help you make large purchases and if you have a low enough interest rate, it can give you the option to pay off your purchase in small payments. Using a credit Card wisely will show that you are responsible and capable of paying your bills on time, therefore allowing other lenders to want to loan you money at lower interest rates.
• Trick yourself into Saving - I cannot stress this enough! Saving is important. Life will always come at you with unexpected obstacles and your savings should be there to help cushion your fall. Most employers will give you the option to SPLIT your payroll into two accounts. Using this service to redirect a small amount of money (as little as $10 a pay check) will trick you into building a savings account before you know it.

Hopefully you find some of this helpful, but the moral of the story is this, at the end of the day, you should be with someone who can make you happy, without their looks, their money or their material possessions, because after all nothing lasts forever...

Never make someone a priority if they consider you an option

I cant lie, I have a serious love/hate relationship with this image and this quote... I love that they fit each other so well, but I hate how true it is, and how almost everyone has allowed themselves to fall into this "trap" at one point or another.

Making someone your priority, when all you are to them is an option is one of the most painful situations that BOTH men and women allow themselves to end up in. I say this mainly because no one can "do this to you", this is something that we do to ourselves. In relationships we often become so absorbed in trying to please our partners, that we neglect to reap in return the fruits of this labor. Being in a mutually loving relationship can be a beautiful thing but often times its not as mutual as we think and when we realize this its often too late to do something about it.

Now here comes the tricky part, how do you know if you are just an option?
There really is no sure fire way to tell, because all relationships are different, but here are some examples:

• You often feel disappointed by your partner (your partner does not live up to your expectations)
• You find yourself weighing the contributions that each of you make to the relationship ("I always do or give more than you/I love you more/you don't love me enough")
• You feel under appreciated
• You find yourself feeling "territorial"
• Your partner does not offer you exclusivity
• Your partner does not attempt to create a sense of security

I know you may be thinking that these are just textbook signs of insecurity or trust issues, however, often times such issues are key symptoms of such a relationship.

Now, how can you tell if you are making your partner too much of a priority?

In any mutually loving relationship, your partner becomes a priority, but if the relationship is not balanced, here are some key signs that you are putting too much into a relationship:

• You find yourself neglecting your responsibilities (work, school, etc)
• You put the happiness of your partner before your own happiness (If he/she is happy, then I am happy)
• You neglect your family and friends and end up feeling isolated
• You feel that your relationship is a financial strain (you should never feel that your relationship is costing you too much, any money spent in an mutually loving relationship would never be thought of as a waste or a mistake)

Most importantly, this applies to both men and women, in any relationship, You should always feel loved, valued, and most importantly RESPECTED..

What are your thoughts?